Our Little Glass Houses

Ever since the miniature travesty that led to my previous blog post, I've tried to be hyper-self-aware. Not self-conscious. Self-aware, as in I've been trying really hard to take note of my foibles and quirks, all of which have led to situations like what happened last Monday. And unfortunately, I have some diagnoses even after just over a week of self-observation. I was going to title this post "things I'm not very good at," but I didn't want my readers (however few and far between) to think I have a negative outlook on everything because that is very much not the case. This isn't supposed to be a bad thing. It's just observations. And maybe by reading what I've realized about myself, you'll feel inspired to look inward and see what's going on with you.

Diagnosis #1: I am subconsciously resistant to all things indicative of the fact that I'm supposed to be an adult. I have had a pile of papers about "investments" and "mutual funds" from Merrill Lynch sitting underneath my iPod speakers since two weeks after I started my job... which I started on August 15. Whenever my parents mention the word "budget," my entire brain system shuts down and I start singing show tunes in my head to drown them out. And when I meet my colleagues' spouses, I kind of shut down too, almost like I'm not willing to admit that these people have real adult lives, obligations and families to call their own. Talk about a serious case of the Peter Pan's.

Diagnosis #2: I'm really, really bad at opening envelopes. I mean seriously, how does anyone smoothly open an envelope, making it look like it is unused and yet to be sealed? I can't even do it with one of those snazzy knives my dad keeps in his office drawer. I remember when I got my first real corporate pay stub when I interned for the Knicks at Madison Square Garden. I nearly ripped that thing to shreds trying to catch a glimpse of that itty bitty number they call a travel stipend. That was three years ago. Somebody teach me?

Diagnosis #3: I am my father's daughter. And not just because I think everyone's hilarious, especially me. But also because I have a serious selective hearing problem. It's not on purpose though. It's involuntary selective hearing. It's like when someone starts rambling or saying something that my ears think is less important than whatever else I could be paying attention to, I mute the rambling person out and hear nothing but the low buzz of my focus moving elsewhere. Which brings me to my next point...

Diagnosis #4: Adult A.D.D. is real. Or at least it is now that Twitter, Facebook, Gawker, CNN.com, The Drudge Report, Pitchfork, Pinterest, Gchat and every other modern marvel has taken over my arsenal of preferred computer activities. I literally cannot work through a project without taking a second to see what's going on on Twitter or flipping to NYTimes.com to see if there's any breaking news. This is becoming a problem. Except of course when number 5 happens.

Diagnosis #5: Adult A.D.D. does not apply to me simply because of my polar opposite capabilities. If I'm put to an urgent task that I know requires my full attention, I have the ability to flip on my Spotify, flip off the rest of the world and focus. I've actually missed actual natural disasters and people telling me full stories because of this. In fact, I don't know which annoys my colleagues more. Diagnosis #3, #4 or #5 because all of them have turned me into some sort of self-absorbed monster that can only act on what internal, uncontrollable impulses compel me to do. It's sad really. I'm like my own Frankenstein.

Diagnosis #6: I'm actually incapable of NOT having conversations about things. I don't consider myself to be a defensive person, so much as someone who thrives off of, lives on, requires dialogue to move forward from one happening to the next. Whether they're good happenings, bad happenings, stressful or easy ones... I can't just not talk about things. I can't just be told a piece of information and not comment on it. I can't just receive constructive criticism without responding with why I did something and explaining how I'll do it better the next time. And I fear that this annoys people because it probably does come off as really defensive. But that's just who I am. It's my coping mechanism and it's how I learn. By talking things out and coming to conclusions that consider both my side of the story and everyone else's. I'll go ahead and label this one of my "tragic flaws."

Diagnosis #7: The final diagnosis. The one that inspires the title that I decided to go with for this post. Over the years, I've built a nice little glass house around myself with walls and roof so thin that I can barely even see it's there. I could explain the glass house by saying it's because I've had experiences where other people have gotten in the way of my achieving certain goals. So, I learned to shut them out in unhealthy, yet pretty effective ways. I could explain it by saying I'm a news or information junky, that I'm addicted to the know and that I'm driven minute-to-minute, hour-to-hour, by this intense drive to glean absurd amounts of knowledge. Or I could say that I'm just another classic Darwin case. Someone who has adapted to my environments and personal needs in a way that I did not consciously initiate nor can I really control. But I benefit from it.

Regardless, I think we all build ourselves little glass houses over time based on our experiences, or most specifically our great successes, gains, losses and failures. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this at all. In fact, I think we'd all be little puddles of melted personality if we didn't protect ourselves a little bit. But it all goes back to this idea that everything should be done in moderation and that self-awareness is the key to personal fulfillment. I'm so glad I've noticed these things about myself because I'm finally able to snap out of each of my ailments whenever necessary. And even though it isn't easy, I know that reaching my potential, achieving my goals and doing what is asked of me is on the other end of it. Now more than ever, when things I do actually matter and impact things way beyond my GPA or dignity, these are all things I need to be a little bit more focused on.